Sunday, August 15, 2010

Mom..pls will u come back..just once!

She was there for me...
but i never realised..
until i lost her ..
now i know what i have lost-
that what i lost , is a treasure-
who loved me beyond measure,
who was selflessly devoted to me,
who cried when i did
and smiled when i did..
who never let me feel lonely-
though in the midst of crowds--
i felt lonely and bored..
who answered my insecurities-
when none else did!
who listened to me , patiently
when none else did!
who remembered me -
even if i forgot her..!
who prayed for my good,
though i never asked for it!
there is no substitute for one's mom..
after all there is none like her!
who can see your tears-
 hidden in your smiles,
who can smell blood in ur sweat
who wants ur good,
though u yell at her,
for not understanding u!
who praises u in spite of u-
 being rude and bad to her!
who can fast for ur health
even when she is sick!

now i realise very well,
what i have lost!
i can go nowhere,
with my insecurities..
with my worries..
with my fears..
with my questions..
with my tears....

if ever i got a day to spend with her..
i wish , in vain, that i would have-
 talked to her about everything i want!
no if ever i could get an hour with her!
or even a minute or atleast ..



Monday, March 22, 2010

I MISS U MOM..WHY DID U LEAVE ME...............

I MISS U MOM ...........................................

 When I have my mother with me, I long for no companion

I dont watch my steps anymore, for an unseen hand shall hold me, if i fall 

I dont cry anymore, for i feel her presence with me ,all the time.

I dont get tensed anylonger, for she sends the solution through some stranger.

I dont crave for love anymore, for i am always surrounded by warmth of her care everytime.

If anyone hurts me or destroys me,they can,but they can never defeat me, for i hav the greatest love with me.

I never thought of a life without her ,but she showed me i can do the impossible.

I am an Atheist. I look at life differently.

My outlook towards life has changed. So has my life.

I plan nothing today and hope for nothing tomorrow.

Her absence taught me a lot of things, which i never wanted to learn.

But I have to drink my cup of tea,whether i like it or no,there is no escape.

After all isnt life a battle well fought,irrespective of the end result?

But ,most of all ,she has given me the manthra to live, "why fear when my mother is near?"

Cant I claim the pride of being her daughter,who lived a pious life n whose essence of life runs in my veins.

I cant see her,so wat, cant i appreciate her presence with me, in me and around me? 

Oh this little girl of yours has always been a fighter,ma.

But little did your little girl know that the one who inspired her to fight the life's battles, would disappear even before she taught her how to fight.

My personal experience of losing my mother.... How I passed through my trying time and my views about Grief Reaction.


Trust me,there cant be a worse time than losing ones mother. Not many hav come out of it successfully.My profession being medicine i can say wit some authenticity that its not an uncommon sight to see a depression patient in the Psychiatry ward, whose cause of ailment had been loss of one or both parents.

I lost my mother in the month of october.I had read about the 'grief reaction' in the text books.but not much of a study is done in the field.but when i passed through it i realised how little we know of the minds game.
Its said, you are what you think you are.that s very true.Let me give u a precise but efficient way of tackling this problem.And having a medical overview into it, helped me cope with the immediate stressor.I would like to share it with you and if it will help someone who is in need,then the purpose of my writing,is served.

Step 1.shock/indifference/reluctance to accept the facts.
This is a stage when mind tries to figure out reasons why this cant be true.' no this can never happen'.'not possible, because just today she said she will be back from work and we shall go for shopping.and she never disappoints me'.This is how the mind adapts to a sudden misfortune.In this stage, the mind has partly accepted the reality but it is unwilling to accept the fact and comprehension of the saddest event requires reasoning,which the person lacks at the moment.

Step 2.anger/resentment/violent outbursts/questioning/temper tantrums.
Like i hav put it, it can vary from being just angry to being totally hysteric.It is in this stage that one feels ' why me?' 'what hav i wronged to hav this fate'.or 'how irresponsible could he/she be? How could they just go without even thinking of me?''had i done tat, this would not have happened.'and so on.But there is no end to it.if u are consoling anyone,the best method is to tell them the truth about the demise of their dear one and letting them 
accept the same,at the earliest and assuring them that its life and they had to move on.(to be continued soon)




If th very existance of life was to be questioned,everything will be meaningless,as we live our life,as decided by someone unseen,whose words r unheard,whose hands r unseen,but who plays wit our lives.So wat we call ours,even our own life is not controlled by us.So why worry.Live each moment asif ur living a suspense movie in which u never know when th turningpoint will be.
Heart achieves wat ur mind wants. But never fool ur mind into wanting something bad, cause mind s blind and heart only trust th mind.and eyes see only wat heart knows. And so keep thinking positive:)
Happiness is enjoying your achievements , no matter how small.teaching that happiness is dependant solely upon success is like saying that virtue is the domain of those who preach falsehood. Taking complete personal responsibility is a reason to be happy.happiness should facilitate our personal n emotional happiest result is th one u worked very hard on
IF life wasnt the way it is now, then i would not be me. I would be a notorious criminal or a rich business magnet who would not have known the value of money. Mistakes paralyse us.but they also make sure, we dont fall sick again.failures are not the stepping stones to success, but the pillars of a successful man who carries victory in his suit pocket.
If i were to float like the clouds and roam like the wind,then why the confines of this physical being? If i were to be seen and not felt,then why touch? if words were to be spoken, and make someone unhappy,then why speak? If words are all i hav , and nothing else, then why do i pry over money.. As no one shall take this treasure from me..
Have i heard a knock on my door, or hav i started listening to myself? Its when u start listening to urself, u become the one u are not pretending to be, YOU..
If silence is golden and old is gold, i am, probably the richest person on earth. For i hav only memories to live by n only silence to offer myself n to share wit others
If i were to be a bird i wish i could fly away from my sorrow and my problems.but fortunately, am not a bird. Am a human who is to face the trouble and life s miseries n challenges to such an extent that i am proud that i am a fighter n not a bird. If the world shall not remember me,atleast i myself will. is there a better graduation than to master in the knowledge of ones own mind?
If destiny decides everything and fate judges everything, who decides the destiny and who judges the fate?
IF creativity is a curse, I am proud to be very cursed.
Creativity helps u to think and do certain things which we are meant for.
That way, being creative wil help u explore your inner strengths and potentials.
And knowing ones own mind n to know wat the calling is for,is the greatest challenges in living.
The greatest favour u can do to yourself, is to 'know' yourself.
Life is not how u see it to be or feel it to be. Its much less. It is wat u dont feel and dont see. We were born to live as simple and helping souls.when did man start to like complexities in his life?
If God exists ,prove it to me. If u think I should not say this,then pay me to agree with you and I shall believe in god.

{{{{{{{{these are my status updates which i had written in face book }}}}}}}}}}}}}
these were devoloped as a result of casual thinking . since i got positive opinion s and comments everywhere, i thought of compiling them together

Friday, March 19, 2010

Sweet Beautiful Mother

My mother, Padmini, was the greatest woman in my life. She lived a life quite never reaching her potential though she had ‘that in her’ to become successful in whatever she would have done. She died an early death at the age of 56 in November 1993.

That sweet beautiful woman, my mother,
I love her for what she was, soft and mild,
She was a champion at sport and sharp in study,
‘Puppy’ she was called at college lovingly,
Her swap book was full of poems written by friends,
Made great reading, when found years later.

That sweet beautiful woman, my mother,
But I hated what life doled out to her,
All skills wasted on home and kitchen,
Out there she should have been seen,
Wearing a doctor’s coat, steth around her neck,
The best doctor in the world she would have been.

That sweet beautiful woman, my mother,
Got married off as most women are,
At an age that seemed right to ‘them’,
To a stranger who came to their door,
And as all women do, she buried her dreams,
To build a family and, dream another dream.

That sweet beautiful woman, my mother,
Children were her source of joy, three in all,
Through illness and success she nurtured them fine,
Till one day it was time to bid goodbye,
Her days were numbered and she didn’t know,
She had no time to see her third child wed.

That sweet beautiful woman, my mother,
She died a distant death when she lost my father,
Looked after so tenderly by her, who died,
After a long drawn taxing illness, and then
Exactly one year, one month and one day after,
She joined him in death as if she decided.

That sweet beautiful woman, my mother,
Her death with it took a piece of me,
How I miss her and wish with all my heart,
That she has found the peace she deserves,
Reached a place where she need not dream,
And exchange her dream for another dream.

(10th May, 2006, Nellore)
 © Nalini Hebbar/openmind/2009 - all rights reserved

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Monday, March 15, 2010

The path i always wanted to travel

I always wished i was a loner
i hav always wanted to be independant
i hav always wanted my family to be proud of me
i had always wanted my mother to know how sincere i was
i had always wanted to tell her how my anger was only in my words, and not my heart
i had always wanted my life to make me courageous and bold
i had always been expectant n happy wit th way my life takes me
i had never hated anyone n said no to anyone til now


i hav everything i wanted in my life
but never the way i wanted it to be..
When i wished for roses
i was given thorns
when i asked to make me brave
i was given trouble

i am now ,wat i always aspired to be
yet, never the way i wanted it to be happening.

Life is like that.
When ur questions are answered
u would hav forgotten wat ur questions were
when u achieve somethin in life
u would hav lost everythin in life
when u find the meaning of ur very existance
ur existance wouldn matter at all
when ur problems are solved
u wil realise they were no problems at all..

When u realise how blissful u were to be given th gift of life

u would no longer be alive..

By th time u realise life was a drama and that u hav done justice to th role offered to u....

U wil realise, all ur life u hav lived a drama, where the destiny of ur character was decided much before u were born,by hands unseen...

Monday, March 1, 2010

My mother's absence and the changes that hav been caused in my life because of tat

I dont smile anymore.not that i dont feel like,but i never quite am happy

i dont feel hungry anymore,as no one is bothered about my having or not having any meals or coffee

i dont hav any right to complain cause wat ever anyone does, just feels like alms for me.AFTER ALL, BEGGARS CANT BE CHOOSERS..

I hav learnt to keep my mouth shut ,as questioning and thinking rationally and expressing my views are no longer,allowed.

I hav learnt to be contented in my life, as there isnt any bigger loss which i can expect,and there are so many smaller probs which are no longer probs for me

i hav learnt not to depend on anyone,cause,when i call home,there s no amma to answer my call.all i hav is a busy father n a deaf grandpa to tell my problems to.which i dont intend to

i hav stopped believing in anythin else ,but my own mind.cause no one pays me to believe god.and wat i cant reason out,doesn exist.

I cant take tension anymore,as i hav no one to discuss it wit .so i shut down the system n go to sleep.

Well,these are only a few changes she has brought in my life after i hav ceased to experience her.

If i tell everything,then, may be, it may not make any sense at all.

All i can tell is, it doesn,even a lil bit feel good.

This incident, of my mother s passing away, has and wil hav an impact on every single day,every single minute of my life.

Whether i like it or not, its reality, and the sooner i accept ,the better.

All i wish to tell her is, i miss her very much.and more than that i miss my happiness.
I miss my smile.
I miss my talk
i miss th old me...

Monday, February 22, 2010

How my mother taught me the essence of life

The reading says u are special

if it were true, then why am i not feeling so?

The child asked its mother, after reading the chapter which spoke of mother's importance

while i am away, u wil understand it dear,said she.

The child smiled innocently, and hugged her,why, i will come away wit that i shall never be away from u..

Its not possible child, said the serene mother.

we received the body God gave us,
we shall leave behind it some day,when we least expect it.

Though we call this body our own, we never get to use it to our will.

We are sent here n taken away from here, tomorrow.
we never know when.

My dearest child,a mother is judged by the child she put forth.

My dear, be a child who wil make his mother proud.

U are my treasure n u are my great things that light up someone elses life more than your own.

May god bless u .

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sands of pain

Let the rains take their time,
to wipe away my pain..

When my heart no longer can hold it,
out comes a tear to fall into the dry sands of despair..

Life had always been the struggle,
my mother always reminded me about..

The struggle against odds,odd souls
struggle wit your own heart n also wit your mind...

Heart yearns for something and the mind yearns for something else.....

My heart says it's painful....but I, knowing it all, am jumping into fire....

And lo,  here I am....hurt and bruised....

Thursday, February 11, 2010


A Doctor by profession, a Guitarist by Passion, a free thinker by will,a Philosopher at heart, a Psychologist and a counsellor by sheer interest and an amicable person by nature and a human being with a humane heart.
You may not find all that you want , but am sure, I will not disappoint your creative self, if he is still there.